Selene here and you are about to enter into my world where there are two quotes I live by:
1) "The creative imagination can be the pathway to the knowledge of truth."
2) "With all great truths come the lies that first made them."
So let us forget the outside world and live within the truths of the worlds we ourselves create.
Last night’s attempt to get black out drunk was foiled by my roommates who stole my alcohol and hid it…. part of me appreciates it, but a bigger part of me is really upset with them for it. After my mental breakdown at work, I just needed one night in which to lose all control, especially over my thought process, so that the half of me that is always trying to protect myself from my past and all of the not so nice things that haunt me would just stop protecting me. I needed to face the pain head on so that it no longer has the power to creep up on me when I’m most weak and susceptible to its crippling effects.
But I didn’t get the chance to last night… I was just stuck in my mentally deteriorating state, feeling the world slowly crushing down around me, my vision permanently stuck in its tunnel vision like state, my peripherals gone and a clear spot only about 3 feet by 3 feet straight ahead. Bits and pieces of repressed memories constantly attacking me but never in full… never giving me the chance to face them and deal with them… a tornado of fear and depression wrecking havoc and leaving me utterly devastated.
I need to learn how to deal… its the one thing I’ve never been good at doing. I’ve always just not dealt with things, I push them away and said later but later never comes. My entire persona is built around this constant need to appear strong and to be there for others even when I’m falling apart inside and it’s catching up to me. I’ve always hated letting people know I’m hurting so I’ve just hide away the pain and pretended to be okay and eventually this lie had become truth. That’s me. I am every minute of every day a lie-begotten truth. There isn’t a single person on this planet who comes even close to knowing the full extent of the pain within me at every single moment of my life. And I appear so happy most of the time because I myself cannot stand the thought of others finding out that I’m not actually happy at all. And the worst part of it all is that I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to just stop being this fake me that I let everyone see because I’ve spent so long being her that I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s so much easier being this front… and last night was my attempt to kill this front. It was my attempt to finally start figuring out how to start this battle of taking over myself. Of becoming me and figuring out who I am. And maybe that wasn’t the best way to start this, but it was the only way I could think of yesterday.
In “Catching Fire,” Elizabeth Banks managed a sly wink at the infamous [mahogany] quote while offering a running commentary on the Capitol landmarks she’s walking Katniss and Peeta through: “The library, all mahogany.”
"I brought that back, I threw it in there," she said of the line, which was unscripted. "I did it, and Francis called cut, and I went over to him, and said, ‘You have to keep that in the movie, because the fans will go bananas.’